Sanctuary
by suicidal angel
Summary: PG-13 for shounen-ai and angst. Duo is being tourtured by guilt, why is Wufei being so nice and can he help Duo find his sanctuary? 5+2, R&R pleeeease?


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Sanctuary

Discaimer: The characters are not mine to use, but the story line is. So please don't sue me?

Warning: PG-13 for shounen-ai content. Also a fair bit of angst and self mutilation. Don't read if you can't handle that sort of thing. And a little sap on the side....

Pairings: 5+2 ....YAYAYAY.....

Author's note: Hmm well this ficcy grew out of almost nowhere, strangley enough the inspiration hit me while I was watching the hunchback of notre thingy...... I just wanted to do somethin short and interesting, about finding sanctuary in somebody elses arms. So here's what came out of the depths of my mind! enjoy, and tell me if you like it.

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I had just finished a mission and I was sitting in my room crying. Yeah I know, boys don't cry. They shouldn't ever cry. But I just couldn't stop the tears. They just came and they came and they came. Years and years worth of tears must've poured out of me that day. Boys don't cry though, guess that just makes me a girl.

I hated being what I was. Shinigami, God of Death. I'm a pretty lousy God of Death if you ask me. I mean really, what kind of God of Death hates killing people? 

I didn't want to fight in this war, but somebody's gotta do it, right? My soul is already black, what's the point in trying to clean it? 

Still I just wished I could get away from all the guilt. It was eating into my soul. I could just hear them screaming at me 

"You took her away from me - you killed her" or "You took away my Daddy" 

I know what it's like to lose someone you love. Then why am I putting all these people through my own pain...?

Some days I thought I was going crazy. This was one of those days. I would have given anything right then to be able to excape all the guilt and the pain - even for just a moment. And my wish was granted in a most surprising way.

I hadn't thought anybody was home, but I was wrong. There was a knock on my door and I hastily dried my tears saying, 

"Come in," 

And in walks Mr Sitck-up-his-justice-prevailing-arse. Great just what I needed, a rant about my weakness. That would really be the icing on the cake, Trust Wu to be the one to do it.

"Maxwell, I need a rubber band, mine broke." I look up at him from where I was sitting on the bed. He'd obviously just had a shower. All that wet dark hair was falling softly around his face. 

One word for how he looked - WOW

"Gee Wu, has anyone ever told you , you look like an onna when you have your hair down," I retorted, but my voice gave me away. I knew it. Wufei must have picked up on it too.

"You've been crying" he accused,

"So?" I prepared myself for the ole 'weakling' rant. 

But it never came, instead it was,

"What's wrong?" I nearly fainted. Wufei, asking me what was wrong!!!

"What no weakling rant?" I chuckled, "Gee Wu, for a moment there you sounded like you actually cared!" he blushed slightly and mumbled

"Of course I care" I must have face vaulted at that! 

"All right who are you and what have you done with Fei?"

"Fine don't tell me then Maxwell, just give me the damn rubber band!" He rolled his eye's irritably. This was the Wufei I knew, this was the Fei I knew how to deal with.

"It's on the counter Wu" He didn't reprimand me as usual for the unauthorized nickname, instead hi simply picked up a black band from where I had indicated and walked out, pulling his hair into a tight ponytail. He stopped in the doorway and looked back at me.   
"I only asked because I know it takes a hell of a lot to make Duo Maxwell cry" Then he closed the door behind him, leaving me in shock.

The next afternoon was worse. The guilt was so bad. I was drowning in it. I could hear them screaming inside my head. I just wanted to get them away from me - the guilt was crawling in my skin. All those people - all those souls, innocent lives! 

I walked into the bathroom and studied my face in the mirror. 

I saw a murderer

That wasn't what I wanted to see. Anything, **Anything** but what I really was. But they always did say mirrors never lie... So I punched the mirror, hard. Glass went everywhere. It was morbidly satisfying watching my face shatter like that. I was vaguely aware that I was bleeding. It felt good, all the pain and the blood pouring out of my body. Along with all the guilt. But it wasn't enough. I needed more...

I grabbed a shard of glass from the floor, wrapping my fist around it and feeling it piercing my flesh. Then I began to slash at my arm. There I was kneeling in the middle of the floor in a pool of my own blood. Some rational part of my mind said 'Duo it's time to stop now, you need to clean this up, Your losing to much blood' but I ignored it and just kept on slashing. I had to get the guilt out. 

All of a sudden warm arms were wrapped around me pulling me close to a warm body. "Duo - oh Duo..." I heard him murmur.

It was Wufei.

He must have heard the crash. I began to cry into his arms. I'm such a girl....

He quickly and efficiently bandaged my arms. Never once saying a word, but it didn't feel like he was angry with me. 

I just sat there and let him do what he wanted, I was in a daze. After he was done, my arms and hands heavily bandaged, I was guided into his bedroom. I curled up into a ball on his bed, crying. He disappeared, presumably to clean up the mess I'd made. 

I couldn't figure out why he was being so nice to me. he hadn't yelled or called me weak, he hadn't even asked me what the matter was! 

The bed smelt nice - just like Wu. That was the last thought I can remember having, and I must have fallen asleep because the next thin g I remember it was dark and Wufei was sitting in a chair reading one of his Chinese books by a gentle red lamp. 

"Wu?" I murmured, still slightly disorientated. He put down his book and took of his glasses carefully. That's when all the memories hit me and I buried my head in the pillow in shame. He had seen me like that. Crying, weak ....desperate. He must've thought I was such a weakling.

"Duo" his voice was soft. I've always liked his voice... The bed sank at the side and his fingers ran through my hair tenderly.

"I'm sorry" I murmured into the pillow. It was all I could think of to say. Yes that's right folks, for once in his life Duo Maxwell was without words!

"Are you ever going to tell me what's going on with you?" 

"_Nothings wrong!_" I snapped, jerking back away from his touch and glaring at him. He just raised an eyebrow skeptically, looking down at my bandaged arms.

"Alright" he got up and went back to his book. 

That's another thing I loved about him. He never forced me to talk about anything I didn't want to. 

I lay back on his bed with a sigh, staring up at the ceiling. Several minutes passed, I just lay there. 

I had a question on my mind and I couldn't get rid of it. At length I said softly,

"Wu, how do you get rid of the guilt?" I wanted to know how he coped.

"What do you mean" He placed the book in his lap and looked at me intently.

There was no going back now.

"The guilt, over all the people we've killed," I explained.

"I know it was for the cause of good," He answered in a tone that made his reply seem like the simplest answer in the world . I propped myself up on my elbows and looked up at him. 

"Justice, you fight for justice right?" he nodded.

"But even then some of them were innocent. They're families were innocent!" I was big on families, seeing as I'd never had one.

"Yes, and the guilt will always be there, but as long as I have some way I can excape from it all, like a haven, no, more like a sanctuary, where none of my sins or weaknesses matter anymore. As long as I have that I can survive."

"Sanctuary" I rolled the word around on my tongue. It sounded so wonderful...

"What's your Sanctuary Wu?" 

"My books, my meditation. You can get lost in books, and when your meditating your mind goes blank, nothing matters." He closed his eyes.

" I don't think meditation is exactly my kettle of fish" I retorted rolling my eyes.

"No, it wouldn't be. We all have to find our own. Quatre's is his violin, Trowa's is probably the circus, or his flute. Heero... Heero's would be that damned laptop, and his invariable concentration. He concentrates only on the mission so no emotions like guilt can get through."  
"I never looked at them that way. You are a lot more observant than I give you credit for Wu-man"

"Wufei" he corrected. But it was only routine, you could tell he didn't really mind.

"What's sanctuary like?" I asked, changing the subject. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath saying,

"It's like a glass of mountain spring water, to a man lost in the deasert. Like... like a bed of feathers to a man who has slept on nails all his life."

Another tear slipped down my face. I wanted sanctuary so badly. Wufei leaned forward and wiped it away. I was so surprised at how he was acting. So - so un-wufei like. I'd never seen this side to him before.

I just looked away.

"You'll find your sanctuary eventually Maxwell, but shredding your arms in the meantime wont work. I can tell you that much."  
I just studied the sheets. Presently I blurted out,

"Fei? Why are you being so nice to me? Why no justice rants, why no weakling lectures. Why are you acting like you understand, like you care?"

"Because I do understand. I do care. You are hurting and I'm not about to make that worse by putting you down. Like I said before, I know it would take a hell of a lot to make Duo Maxwell cry."  
I was stunned. "I thought you said only weaklings cried," I murmured.

"And I thought you said that boys don't cry," he countered.

"But - why do you care. You shouldn't. No one should." My hands clenched into tight fists.

"Perhaps this will explain it" he whispered, so quietly I could barely hear him. Then he leant forward and kissed me tentatively on the lips. I was in shock.

I was **_so not_** expecting that! He pulled back blushing and apologizing profusely. But I just frowned, staring at my hands. Then I raised a finger to brush ever so lightly against my bottom lip. There was a spark of something when he kissed me. I wasn't sure.... I had felt somehow.... free.... But I had to be sure.

"Wufei?" 

"W-what?" he paused in his onslaught of apologies.

"C-could you please ... k-kiss me again?" His lips curved into a smile. You have no idea how beautiful he looks when he does that. Wufei blows you away normally, can you just imagine what it's like when the 'stick-up-my-arse' mask cracks enough for a smile?

Then - still smiling he pulled me into his arms and ever so gently kissed me. And this time I knew I was right, this time I kissed back. For minutes on end we must have sat there, involved in a deeply passionate kiss. One of his hands gently stroking my hair while the other arm was wrapped firms around my waist.

We broke apart reluctantly only for lack of oxygen. 

Sighing I nestled my head into the crook of his neck, and I just sat there quietly for a few moments, being held securely in his protective embrace. Then I knew it, I knew I had found it in his arms.

"Fei?" I whispered, "I think I just found my sanctuary..." 

Well? how'd I do. Please R&R and tell me, C&C......pwease????? =)


End file.
